Oftentimes, our resistance to leaving, or rather expanding our comfort zone, is merely due to our fear of failure. But we neglect to recognize the fact that we are already setting ourselves up for failure by refusing to try. Where there is no risk, there is no change.

The first thing we do when we are in pain is seek relief. That is our human instinct. The more intolerable the pain, the more urgently we seek for an instant solution. Our thoughts become consumed only with ideas of how we can stop the pain, and our fears come into their fullest form as we begin to worry that if we don’t find something to stop the pain, it will never stop.

There are so many mixed messages in our society, families and social groups that cause confusion on what healthy looks like. There are messages that being healthy means we have everything figured out, that we have no self-esteem issues, that we are able to manage our feelings and emotions without involving other people, or that we have our diet and weight under control. 

It’s so easy to project our self esteem onto everyone and everything but ourselves. Sometimes this can look like needing excessive amounts of validation from others, basing our own value on our achievements, or deriving our confidence from our appearance. The problem with these examples is that they are all external. Having a high self esteem will never be sustainable as long as it’s coming from anywhere outside of ourselves.

Many of us were raised to be “polite.” Although there’s nothing wrong with being friendly and courteous to others, this idea has often translated to a sacrificial way of operating in relationships with others. Along with being polite, many of us were also taught to make sure we are considerate of other people’s feelings before we give any credit to our own and that it’s selfish to put ourselves first. 

So you have someone in your life who has anxiety, and you want to help? You’ve come to the right place. First, know that anxiety is a natural and healthy reaction, but if you “help” in the wrong way, even with the best of intentions, it can drive the one you’re trying to help farther away and leave the situation worse than when you found it. In my own practice, I have seen partners, friends and family members struggle with what to do and that’s why I have decided to make this guide “How to help someone with anxiety”.

Contrary to popular ideas about multitasking, when we attempt to do too many things at one time, especially if we are trying to do complex tasks, we end up being less effective and less productive. This can result in something called cognitive overload. Basically, just like a computer crashes, our brain shuts down, drastically limiting our ability to process all that is coming in. We often speak about this as being, or feeling overwhelmed or anxious. It’s kind of like trying to take a drink from a firehose, for example—it’s not very effective and we end up feeling more frustrated and stressed than when we started.

People often come to me feeling confused about how they are feeling. They wonder, “Am I anxious? Depressed? A combination of both? Or something else altogether?” To me, this is not surprising.

During times of crisis, like the one we’re facing with the coronavirus pandemic, a lot of us feel anxiety’s shove. In many ways, it’s surprising that we don't all have anxiety. In fact, how we as humans evolved to respond to threats is what has kept us going for as long as we’ve been alive. When we were early humans, hearing the snap of a twig would evoke a split-second question of whether we should fight or run or freeze. In our modern society, we are asked to answer this same question every day: we face conflict in the workplace or at home; our sense of security is threatened by drops in the stock market or job loss; or by threats to our health and well being. The reality is, we all experience anxiety when such topics arise, and especially when we face an invisible enemy in our community—enter coronavirus.